FAQ

Knowledge is important, but you need to apply the knowledge, and apply it correctly.  A qualified coach like myself provides exceptional value in four ways:

1. Making sure you do the right things at the right time

2. Customizing a plan to your specific, unique circumstances and needs, continuously while working together

3. Identifying blind spots and challenging your beliefs, assumptions and perceptions. 

4. Keeping you motivated and in action, especially when you're tired, confused, worn down and feel like giving up.

If you're both decent people and committed to the marriage succeeding then 100% you will be successful so long as you develop the necessary skills, learn the appropriate tools and utilize the right strategies.

The three hardest things for most people are true forgiveness, taking responsibility for their part in how the relationship got the way it is, and letting go of resentment, anger and righteousness.  These are the first things I address in my coaching and courses.

Yes!  In fact, many of my clients initially work with me individually because their partner doesn't want "therapy" or "coaching".  In these cases I help the client directly while also providing materials for their partner to help them open up to working together. 

Yes!  I work with committed couples regardless of whether they're married, planning on getting married, or wanting to remain in a committed but unmarried relationship.

For couples who are planning to be married, I help them to develop relevant skills and resolve conflicts before marriage so that they're better prepared to handle the unique challenges of married life (which for most couples is very different, even if they've been living together). 

This is extremely common, with causes ranging from desire for privacy to bad past experiences.  The good news is that with effective training, support and coaching you can make tremendous improvements to your marriage all by yourself.

Challenged marriages typically get that way because one or both partners aren't effective in influencing or even understanding the other, standing up for their own needs, and/or managing their own time, energy, health and emotional state.

Developing these skills through private coaching typically goes a long way towards resolving the marriage challenges on your own and, if you still need help, you'll have the empathy, communication and influence skills to get your partner to appreciate the value of joint sessions with a therapist or coach in helping to bring you to a place of friendship, partnership and passion.

This is related to the above problem but different.  Chances are you've accommodated and enabled your partner for many years, so from their perspective everything is fine; meanwhile you're suffocating from years of not getting your own needs met.

This is typically the point where ultimatums get made which, unfortunately, often don't work and even make things worse.

The key here is learning how to understand what drives your partner, how to clearly communicate with them, how to influence them to happily change behaviors, and how to stand up for your own needs and desires.

Of course, it's also possible that you've reaching a point of irreconcilable differences in your marriage.  Coaching or therapy can help you clarify that and provide support if you believe that divorce is your only recourse.

This is a real challenge for couples with demanding jobs, long commutes or, especially, young children.  I've been there and can relate.

My virtual sessions eliminate travel time and the need for a babysitter, my online trainings can be accessed 24/7 at your convenience, and online personal Q&A is available for when you don't need or can't schedule real-time interactive support/coaching.

There really is no limit, but there are three caveats:

1. The more you expect from the marriage the more likely you'll always feel a level of disappointment.

2. The more attached you are to things being a particular way the more you'll inevitably have conflicts.  And, the more things that need to be a particular way the more areas of conflict you'll still have.

3. Life has inevitable ebbs and flows, to say nothing of unexpected crises.  There will always be times when one or both of you are not at your best.

That said, what matters is that both of you are committed to making a great marriage for each other.  So long as you have that everything else just comes down to developing the necessary habits, skills and resources.

Therapy focuses on healing past traumas and providing a supportive environment.  Therapy prioritizes creating a "safe space" for you to come up with your own solutions and actions; by ethical code a therapist isn't supposed to tell you what to do.  It typically takes many months, even a year or more, before recognizable progress is made.

Coaching focuses on creating the future you want by giving you a map, skillfully motivating you, and holding you accountable for actions you choose to take between sessions.  Progress is often made in a few months, often in just a few weeks.

To use a sports analogy: let's say you have a quarterback who suffered a seemingly minor shoulder injury early in his career but which is now severely impacting his distance and accuracy, and he's also more afraid of getting hit, so he's throwing the ball away too quickly.  In this case the coach is responsible for designing plays that will work with his current limitations, and help him with psychology and influence to trust himself, trust his team, and make solid passes.  The therapist in this case would be responsible for helping heal the underlying tissues: muscle, tendons, fascia and nerves.  The coach is getting this quarterback ready to start winning again, and ASAP; the therapist is working on underlying issues that take longer to heal but will improve the quarterback's longevity.  Importantly, if this QB only did therapy and didn't get coaching, they would STILL have issues with their confidence, timing and accuracy; therapy maximizes the foundation for success, but doesn't itself create success.

Coaching and therapy are complementary and clients with difficult pasts can make remarkable progress when having  both a coach and a therapist, especially when they allow them to communicate with each other.

You ideally want someone who understands how you think, the stressors you have and pain you're experiencing personally and not just intellectually.

For example, workaholism, special needs children, and "highly sensitive people" are all areas that create extreme marriage stress and are difficult to truly appreciate unless you've "been there" yourself.

You also want someone who shows you a clear plan to get from where you are to where you want to be, and after starting work keeps you moving forward and doesn't get bogged down in the "crisis du jour".  If you have a lot going on then it can be useful to have both a therapist and a coach, leaning on your therapist for support and your coach to challenge, train and move you forward.

Finally, you want someone who communicates in a way that resonates with you.  Some people prefer an academic or intellectual tone while others prefer a more emotional approach.  Some people prefer a more supportive tone while others prefer more "tough love".   Some prefer a more dry/clinical vibe while others prefer a more friendly/personal vibe.  Most good therapists and coaches adjust their tone and vibe to the client's needs but still have a natural "zone". 

There's a spectrum of possibilities and none are strictly "better" than the others; what matters is what works for YOU.

My philosophy of marriage success is based on five key choices/behaviors, all of which are under your own complete control: 

1. Choose your Marriage: You can’t give your best to work through major challenges when you’re actively flirting with divorce.  It's OK to have conditions and timeframes, but right here, right now you have to choose your marriage or choose divorce.  Sitting on the fence will only keep in you pain and get in the way of you doing the hard stuff.

2. Be Present: Turning around a challenged marriage requires time, energy and health.  You need time for your partner, energy to not just collapse at the end of the day, and health to both do things with your partner and do your share in the home.  Especially in middle age, health and time issues can lead to a major wedge in even the best marriages.  And more than just being necessary for turning a marriage around, the lack of time, energy and health are often what gets marriages into trouble in the first place.

3. We before Me: My approach is based on the foundational Christian principles of compassion, forgiveness and generosity.  As our culture becomes more “self-focused” it naturally becomes more difficult to compromise, much less yield.  In marriage you have to be “we” before “me” (that's "we", not "you").  However, that does NOT mean always or mostly denying yourself in service of your partner's wants and needs.  And speaking of which, there is never justification for physical or emotional abuse and they should never, ever (let me be clear: EVER) be tolerated.

4. Make it Great: Even the most compatible couples will, over time, face challenges.  And the reality is that people change over time, sometimes quite a bit, so marrying your "perfect match" doesn't mean you'll relate the same way in 15 or 20 years, especially under the strains of career, kids and health changes.  You have to actively and continuously choose to make your marriage great, evolving and adapting as necessary.

5. Find Joy: To get where you want to go, you have to experience and express joy, outside of and irrespective of your marriage.  I know, it can seem hard or even impossible right now.  But, the truth is that nobody wants to be with a negative or complaining partner.  Plus, negativity will  keep you from truly believing that your marriage can be great, inhibit you from doing what’s hard, and even keep you from recognizing when your marriage IS great.  Joy is personally transformative and expressed joy is contagious!  Remember: it's not enough to only feel joy internally, you also have to express joy so those around you, especially your partner, can see your joy and be uplifted by it.

Practical, positive, encouraging and funny, with a side order of tough love as necessary.  :)

Having been both a super-logical, hard-charging tech wiz *AND* later a heart-forward stay-at-home dad, I have an uncommon ability to relate to and communicate effectively with both roles.

I've also spent my entire life in NYC and northern NJ and am particularly attuned to the unique culture and rhythms of this area.

Considering the incredibly diverse range of Christian practices that's almost a trick question!

Love, forgiveness, generosity, charity, and treating others the way that you'd want to be treated yourself are my unassailable foundation for marital success and happiness.

While those are the essence of Christianity, my coaching, teaching and training doesn't specifically incorporate scripture and isn't based on any religion's definition of marital rules or roles.

As for my background, I was raised Christian (Italian Catholic, to be precise) and for much of my childhood and teens I thought very seriously about being a priest, which should give you an indication of how seriously I take my moral code.